I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead