He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.