She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches