He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
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I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
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I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window