debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.