I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.