Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.