I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.