Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Here’s Why Hotel Photos On Travel Websites Are A Complete Hoax
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.