I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.