Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.