I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
These 19 Men’s Fashion Mistakes are Unforgivable, According to Women
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
25 Cringeworthy Below the Pants Injuries
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.