He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk