You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for