Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.