Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.