There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
These 19 People Had Awkward Celebrity Sex Dreams
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.