Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
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My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
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Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".