We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday