I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
This is my life. Enjoy the view
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
