just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.