Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.