a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
what if I'm pregnant?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away