I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
what if I'm pregnant?
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life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
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Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.