proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
you will always have a special place in my vag
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...