I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.