I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"