On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler