Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.