he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.