Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.