Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.