He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.