I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"