It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours