I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now