In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?