Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.