Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
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i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
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Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway