Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other