I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C