We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
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I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
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I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.