she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Dating After Heartbreak
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar