I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"