Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.