There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S