You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens