Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.