you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.