Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.