Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.