Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...