Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
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Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
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What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.