Texts From Last Night

Last Night in Iowa (563)

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  (563): View more from Iowa

  Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.

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  (563): Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out. http://tfl.nu/o8je
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.

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  (563): I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan. http://tfl.nu/gr04
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.

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  (563): My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch. http://tfl.nu/5mz7
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  People are yelling about how much they want you here.

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  I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.

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  (651): People are yelling about how much they want you here. (563): I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled. http://tfl.nu/lpre
  Replies (4) Good night (2343) Bad night (569)
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.

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  (563): I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating. http://tfl.nu/5u43
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.

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  (563): WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE. http://tfl.nu/f0cz
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.

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  (563): last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers. http://tfl.nu/6ciq
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?

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  (563): I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one? http://tfl.nu/bi5f
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.

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  (563): Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience. http://tfl.nu/j0u8
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.

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  (563): I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer. http://tfl.nu/sbgi
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.

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  (563): at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck. http://tfl.nu/kym8
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  I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.

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  (563): I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished. http://tfl.nu/1qri
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.

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  (563): She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me. http://tfl.nu/so2a
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  I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.

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  (563): I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay. http://tfl.nu/8krm
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.

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  (563): Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks. http://tfl.nu/j9ui
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