I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?