it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.