Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober