Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER