he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake