I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb