I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run