I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.