I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
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No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now