As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
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I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
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Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.