Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?