Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
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It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Come back. Shots need mouths.
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I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck