somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
You are the jesus of drinking
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.