Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!