I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
You are the jesus of drinking
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.