You are the jesus of drinking
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
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You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
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Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.