I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
You are the jesus of drinking
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...